fourth year funk

So it has been a couple of weeks. I am now half way through my NICU sub-I and finally feeling okay about calculating TPN's and presenting my patients on rounds... (tiny, sick, premature babies are different than any other patient. It is a whole new world! But I'm sure come next year I will be very happy to have had the experience of being in the NICU. Not enjoying the 5:30am wake up time but then again, it could be worse. I could be taking care of adults! I do love the babies...)

I feel like fourth year is stretching out and will never be done. I'm in a funk. There is really no other way to put it. I should be excited to interview and I am. But I'm also just so tired. It is exhausting to be "on" and answer the same questions over and over and while I am oh-so-grateful that I have double digit interviews lined up I'm exhausted by the thought of the process of traversing the country again and again... I'm already "done" and it is WAY TOO EARLY to be in the that mindset. I think being away from Dr. Boyfriend and not knowing exactly what I'm doing after February is weighing on me. Fourth year was "set" and then my schedule was thrown off and now I'm waiting for things to be scheduled and I hate having things up in the air.

I have interviewed twice since A. Neither B nor C compared but I think that nothing will... they were both good alternatives and certainly rankable. I could probably learn to be happy anywhere, I have that ability but neither B nor C spoke to my soul like A. Then again I've always struggled with high expectations but really I am going to be at a place for the next 3-5 years so I want it to be right. However, it is too early to torture myself now, after all, there are plenty of other options. Interview season is far from over so I should feel encouraged and hopeful. And thankful, it is November after all!

But honestly, at the moment I'm just here. Fighting the fourth year funk and wishing it was March 15th already. I think I need to go bake something, drink wine and try to get into the Thanksgiving spirit... wish me luck!