I DO want to be physician. I chose this career, or it chose me? Either way, I'm doing it.
But sometimes, just sometimes the path is long and wandering and so I start to wonder... not is it worth it exactly, because I believe it is, or I wouldn't be doing this, but sometimes I pause. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see friends who have families already (kids, careers, homes) and I wonder if what I'm sacrificing is what I truly want. I see young athletes at the height of their careers and can't help but think that they are going to retire before I even get to "practice" my profession. The path is long and the sacrifices great. I think they are worth it, I know they are worth it. But sometimes, just sometimes I wonder what if I had taken a job teaching first grade or actually traveled around the world after college instead of getting on the MCAT/pre-med train if I wouldn't be just a happy as I am today.
I have no regrets. I don't. I fully understand that I chose this life, I CHOOSE this life and in the end it will be worth it for me. And don't feel bad for me in the day-to-day. Sure medical school is "hard" but really what in life isn't hard? And what I get to do and the people I get to meet, those are things that I do not take lightly. I love my life and I love medical school (well now, maybe not so much in Terms 1-3) but overall medical school is an amazing time. I got to live in Grenada and meet some really good friends. I get to see illness and pathology and health up close every day. I have to travel a bit but that just means I get to see a variety of hospitals and different patient populations. I am away from Dr. Boyfriend but I am lucky I have a husband that is so supportive and that we have a strong marriage so that this is possible. So I don't ever regret going to medical school or choosing this life. But still I wonder what might have been....
And yes, I'm know residency will be fine. It will be hard and long and I'll sacrifice some more along the way but that is what being a doctor entails and I signed up well aware of these facts.
I suppose some of my "pause" comes from the fact that Dr. Boyfriend is about to start the last year of his fellowship thus his journey is almost over. I've experienced residency and two years of fellowship vicariously so I almost feel like I should be done too. But I haven't even started. And I don't even have a residency yet. Or a personal statement written to apply. Or all my letters of recommendation completed. So here I am, about to start fourth year and I have a LOT to do.
And right now I'm in the middle of studying for Step 2 (test date is just 10 days away) and Dr. Boyfriend is out of town at a conference so I'm alone with my books and so maybe that is making me morose. Reflective. Pondering. Whatever.
But this I know....
I am lucky. I do want to be a physician. It is/will be worth it. This I know! (along with lots of random medical knowledge, some actually important and plenty of arcane facts that I'm sure I will promptly forget as soon as I take Step 2.)