For his mother

Nancy Lanza, 52

Mother of gunman

Another virtual ornament and moment to reflect on another life lost and the cost to all of us when we shy away from talking about mental illness and those affected by it, we are not immune.

Please read this article and think twice before you blame his mother. We do not know the specifics but mental illness has no easy answers....

For the babes

In memory of these children and the too-short lives they lived...

Charlotte Bacon, 6

Daniel Barden, 7

Olivia Engel, 6

Josephine Gay, 7

Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

Dylan Hockley, 6

Madeleine Hsu, 6

Catherine Hubbard, 6

Chase Kowalski, 7

Jesse Lewis, 6 

James Mattioli, 6

Grace McDonnell, 7

Emilie Parker, 6

Jack Pinto, 6

Noah Pozner, 6

Caroline Previdi, 6

Jessica Rekos, 6

Avielle Richman, 6

Benjamin Wheeler, 6

Allison N. Wyatt, 6

For the teachers

A virtual ornament to remember those that perished on Friday, the teachers and educators that dedicated their careers and ultimately their lives...

Rachel Davino, 29

Teacher

Dawn Hochsprung, 47

School principal

Anne Marie Murphy, 52

Teacher

Lauren Rousseau, 30

Teacher

Mary Sherlach, 56

School psychologist

Victoria Soto, 27

Teacher

no lights or trees today

I normally love this time of year and I want to enjoy it but with children dead in CT and being far away from home the joy of the season seems elusive...

I have pictures of brightly lit and decorated trees from all over my interview trail that I fully intended to post. Yet they are not doing much to brighten my spirits at the moment.

It is too much to ignore. It doesn't make any sense and I am sad. Yet I have to smile and go on another interview. I have to answer the same questions for the 100th time and get on another airplane and sleep in another-not-mine-bed. And as grueling as these things may be they are blessings because I am here and I am well and as we saw yesterday there were children who simply went to school and had their futures erased, leaving parents behind, mother and fathers that will never be the same.

I don't have answers but I do think we as a country have to come together and actually talk about gun control and do something. Having a hunting rifle is NOT the same as having a semi-automatic and if today is too soon to talk about this, then when will be the right time? Call your senator or representative. Do something! I didn't mean to rant or ruin the holiday spirit but it seems that it is already gone.

I hope that we can remember the 26 victims and spend less time talking about the shooter. I hope that we all appreciate the blessings we have and love those we have in our lives because the future is uncertain and love in the present is one of the only things that we can do.

Wishing you peace and love~

Happy Easter- links

Happy Easter.  Happy Passover. Or simply Happy Spring, whatever you may or may not be celebrating I hope you have a wonderful Sunday.

Here are just some links for the day from my early morning reading before I head to the hospital in my Easter socks. The Easter egg hunt and decorating has been postponed to next weekend when Dr. Boyfriend will be visiting (and also it will be Greek Easter then.)

-A "Good Friday" post  on death, but beautiful all the same. Grady Doctor often makes me cry.

-Reflecting on my non-zebra patient and wondering if/when he'll get his kidney. Here is a story of love and hope. 

-Call for all of us to do our part and fight childhood obesity. That means you, dad/dude!

"for the dead and the living, we must bear witness." — Elie Wiesel

Today a patient died. I met him in the ER just five short days ago. At that time he was talking, breathing, living. But then he got sick.Very sick. And surgery and medicine and a stay in the ICU could not fix his failing organs or return him to health. His family watched in disbelief as each day he got sicker and sicker... And today they had to say goodbye.

As a doctor in training I am privileged to be with patients all stages of life and sometimes even death. Today is a day to remember and as such I am reflecting on all the patients that I have met whose lives I glimpsed before they were over. I will remember... the smiles, the jokes, the lives of my patients. 

I will remember them because to remember is to bear witness, and this is something I can do.

---

This day in September, ten years ago started normally enough for most people. Preparing for work, boarding a plane, going about their day to day business... no one knew what unimaginable things the day would bring. I was in Boston at college, in class and not privy to the first tower being hit.... but as the news started to make its way around campus and throughout the world my would be husband came to meet me and as class ended I walked out to see him standing in the hall, waiting and in the instant I saw him,  I knew. 

I didn't loose a family member and I only vaguely knew people affected by the attacks, at least at that time.... However we later moved to NYC and then I met countless people who had been there, witnessed the towers falling, walked over a bridge to safety or fled the city afterwards. I know families that decided they could no longer live in NYC and I know people who never-not in a million years- considered leaving. 

New Yorkers have solidarity when it comes to 9/11. So today I partially feel like I'm on the wrong coast. 

People still talk, people still remember, but the events are not quite so raw, not quite so close to home... Of course those that lost their lives on 9/11 were not all New Yorkers. And really it doesn't matter where one is today or where one was ten year ago. What matters is that we remember for those affected by 9/11 and especially for those who lost their lives.

It has been a decade, but we still remember. It is one thing we can do.

Grandma- death on her own terms

My grandmother just passed away. I have been wearing her pearl earrings since I learned that she decided to leave the hospital on Tuesday. She made the decision herself,  she said she was sick of tests and sick of fighting and she wanted to be left alone.  And because she was unable to eat and in a state of organ failure her family and doctors were able to respect her wishes... She was discharged to hospice care and was at my Aunt's house for only three days. This is what she wanted.  And as sad as I am by her passing I am grateful that her death was on her own terms. 

My grandmother lived a full life and in the end her body simply gave out. She buried a son during Vietnam and lost her husband to prostate cancer 13 year ago. This past year she had a stroke and when I went to visit her during rehab she was as practical and independent as ever. Over the last few years she sold her house when she could no longer walk up and down the stairs. She sold me her car when she could no longer turn the steering wheel due to her arthritis. After her stroke she moved to California and resided in a house with 4 other women and a full time aide until recently. 

My grandmother was a strong woman. I will miss her. I spent many a college break at her house, debating the merits of pursuing medicine. I can remember the exact moment that I decided I wanted to be doctor. I was in her living room.  My grandmother was always encouraging but never sentimental. She would tell me to study for my upcoming exams and to quit crying. And so I will go study but I will be thinking of her. Her death was on her own terms but still she will be missed, and so in memory of my grandmother I leave you with another's words.

 

No man is an island,

Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

- John Donne