So, I have a broken drafty window which means it sounds much windier in my room than it is actually and it took me a week to come up with a way to plug it by stuffing a pillow case and creating a semi-seal. But I digress. It seems in Grenada (and at SGU) things change rather quickly. You can be having a fabulous day full thinking you are prepared for small group while the sun is shining, the birds are chirping... and then the next minute the sky is dark, the wind blows and rain falls, you are being berated for knowing nothing, your professor call the class a disgrace (half of us failed the Biochem Unified) and you want to go crawl under the covers and hide.
My confidence, I think they are out to steal it. Medical school is humbling, you are reminded how much you do not know (a lot) EVERY SINGLE DAY. Which is hard when you feel like all you do is study, and still you know nothing. And worse yet, you begin to realize how much you don't know and thus how much more you must study... But then, when you are least expecting it the rain stops, the sun comes out and your friends rally around you. Another productive day of studying and you feel caught up and happy to be here, for the moment. Until the wind blows again. And so it goes. This first month has been full of many ups and downs, more than I thought possible in such a short amount of time, but things here change quickly. And I think it is important to remember that. It is easy to feel sorry for yourself but then you look around and realize in the big picture that the wind has to stop eventually and it might even stop sooner than you expect.
This morning I woke up to rain pelting on my window and wind blowing into my room and I thought it might be hurricane season already... But now the sun is out and the sky is blue again. Right now the day looks promising and I've already put in an hour worth of studying, had my coffee, read the New York Times online and said good morning to boyfriend. I still hear the wind blowing (maybe a work order to fix my window would be more effective than the pillowcase, I'll have to work on that) but only time will tell what today will bring.... maybe I'll keep my confidence from blowing away.
hmm, seems like bchem is everyone's nemesis. a quarter of the kids in our term failed it as well...that's just how it goes, i suppose.
ReplyDeletei hear ya on the ups and downs- they suck but i reckon this wouldn't be med school without them. they knock you down but in the end they build you back up- and i have to hope that we'll be better doctors because of it.
hang in there!
Trust me, it doesn't stop with medical school. The winds just pick up as a resident, and then you throw in some hail and lightning as well. But when the sun does finally shine, it seems all that much brighter and ultimately worth it in the end. The facts and figures, details and minutia...that all fades with time. It's the motions you go through and the effort put forth not to drown or get blown away that ultimately get you to where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteRegina, I felt that way all the time. Believe me when I say I have no idea how I would have made it without everyone's support (you included). I really really struggled first year...and I am not sure I have been as stressed as that ever since. I only wish I was there to have brunch with you! Maybe we should come up with a way to have virtual brunch? Many hugs!!!
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